P.S. I thought I would include this mini-article I wrote a few months ago that I posted to Facebook. Enjoy.
June 17, 2030.
A lovely penthouse apartment in Manhattan.
I, reporter Nicholas Dehn of the New York Times, am on a perilous adventure to find out the man behind the mystery. Nicholas Dehn, the world's #1 best-selling author of all time and acclaimed screenwriter and actor, is finally mustering the strength to acknowledge his inferiors and break down to do an interview. Dehn's 2019 novel, Chutney and Scrapple, was an international phenomenon, leading to a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer Prize in literature. Its film adaptation of the same name, also written by Dehn, garnered eleven Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actress (Tina Fey), Best Actor (Johnny Depp), and the then-new "No Hard Feelings" Award (Ichabod Lipschitz, who had a nervous breakdown while attempting to write the screenplay, prompting Dehn's assumption of the job.) After retiring at age 26, Dehn traveled the world with his young family, and currently has houses in every continent. Curiously, Mr. Dehn is not allowed in the state of Utah. Today, he has three young children with his wife of eleven years, actress Shanaynay Dehn (née Nay) of "Home Alone 7" fame.
Upon entering the lovely Dehn apartment, I first noticed a glass flower chandelier designed by Dale Chihuly. My marveling was limited, however, when an endearing beagle named "Costanza" ran up and gave me a hug. I still don't know how he did it. Before you could say "Sam's your uncle," there was Shanaynay, with a fresh batch of cookies, some stoned Wheat Thins, and a lovely dollop of quince paste. I was immediately impressed with the fact that food was the number one priority, and I was sure to whisper this into my tape recorder.
Moving on.
Nicholas was at a very fancy party he was requested to come to just to liven things up, so I waited for a while as I got myself acquainted with his children: Genevieve, Blaine, and Oberon. Such adorable younglings!
Nicholas showed up but ten minutes later, a flourish of trumpets sounding upon his entrance. His white teeth almost blinded me; Shanaynay was already there with some Willy Wonka-esque sunglasses for me. I gladly put them on and waited for all of the brilliance to fade. What with the Chihuly, the afternoon sun, the teeth, and the transparent floor, it was quite a pain for the eyes!
I would soon learn that this would be my only pain in my visit. Mr. Dehn was so personable, so charismatic--and here's the best part--he looked just like me!
Finally, we sat down for the interview. He poured himself a glass of green tea--he would later tell me he rejects the idea of a butler--and settled down in an amorphous blob of a chair one could only find on a tacky sci-fi movie. Yet there he was. I chose to sit on the couch myself.
Nicholas crossed his legs, cocked his head, and smirked. I was in a daze, but began the interview nonetheless.
~
1.Mr. Dehn--it is such an honor to speak with you. ...I'm just glad you pronounced my last name correctly!
2. Oh, it just came naturally, I suppose. ...Well, props to you.
3. Let's start at the beginning. ...That's a very good place to start, isn't it?
4. Where were you born?...I'm afraid that's classified, sir.
5. What's that?...I mean, isn't that kind of a personal question?
6. Not really. ...Well, I think it is. I'd rather we'd not discuss that.
7. Wouldn't a personal question be along the lines of "What is your deepest fear?" ...Oh, that's easy. Drowning. Or dying alone. Or a heart attack.
8. Oh my-- ...Don't worry, I'm an easygoing person who fears little. I try to be loving most of the time. Usually I fail. That's a shame...what's that look on your face? (Laughs) That was a joke! Dear me, no one ever understands my jokes....
9. I, uh, I see you have your watch on backwards. ...So observant, aren't we?! (Chuckles and takes a sip of green tea) It's true. I wear my watch the seemingly "wrong way." When someone asks me for the time, I simply thrust out my wrist. It's much easier than the strenuousness that arises from reading an analog clock. I find it quite efficient.
10. Now, it would be cruel to call you sloth-- ...I see where you're going. I know many people who are much lazier than I.
11. Ah? ...Yes. (Crosses his eyes)
12. You are oh so quirky! May I again ask a question concerning your garb? ...Ah, my nerd glasses. Of course. No lenses, as you can see. They are simply cheap, plastic, 3D glasses from the movie theatre with the easily-smudged lenses popped out. The result is a pair of nerdy specs that make me look more individualistic than intelligent or--ah, dorky, if you will.
13. That's neat. Now, I hear you come from humble beginnings. ...Not really. I think of humble as a trailer park family in Wichita, or maybe a hamlet in Slovenia--perhaps even a household akin to the one from "Precious."
14. And you cannot relate to those scenarios? ...It saddens me to say that I grew up as a middle-class boy in a fairly wealthy neighborhood. I wish I could have been different, from somewhere a tad more exotic, persay. Despite the fortune to have been born in these grand United States, I'm sure being born and raised in Kiribati or Monaco or Lesotho would have been far more exciting.
15. Lesotho has a drastically high HIV rate. ...I'm sorry, I just heard a faint buzzing in my ear. Excuse me as I get a Q-tip--(Fetches a Q-tip.) Here I am. Back, quick as a wink.
16. Are you going to use the Q-tip? ...Heavens, no! What for?
17. Your--oh,forget it. Let's delve into your education. ...Ugh, let me sit down for this.
18. You...are...sitting down-- ...Here's the thing, Brody.
19. It's Nicholas-- ...Nathaniel. Here's the thing. My education was extremely...interesting. Does it suffice to say that I passed each grade, class, exam, and lowly worksheet with flying colors?
20. I believe so, as long as it pertains to your life-- ...It doesn't. I hated math. I was all right at it, but I found no passion in finding the value of "x" or exploring the wonderful world of proofs or cosines or the Isoperimetric Inequality.
21. It seems that you retained your memories of math quite well, nonetheless. ...Well, since my retirement at age 26, Norman, I haven't had much to do...sure, I have my wife and my three lovely children, but one can assume that besides writing, I haven't the busiest schedule in the world. So, I look through my old math books and laugh at the inferiority of it all.
22. All right, let's backtrack for a second, Nicholas. You mentioned your children, who I met before. Aren't they just the bee's knees! ...Ah, yes. Genevieve is ten, Blaine is eight, and little Oberon is nearly six. I love them all to pieces. They're the spitting image of me. Except Genevieve. Of course, you couldn't tell when she was born! I'm sorry. That was bad humor right there.
23. And your wife?...Yes, Shanaynay and I have been happily married for eleven years now. And she's expecting twins this winter. We've already named them Wingspan and Banjo!
24. You already know their sexes? ...Actually, no. We figure that Wingspan is a unisex name, while Banjo might have to become Gwendolyn if he/she turns out to be a girl. We can hardly resist, Shanaynay and I--we must pick out names as early as we can!
25. Well, being a successful author, you certainly do have a way with names. ...I've always loved naming characters in my books. Since
Chutney and Scrapple was published ten years ago, people have asked me where I come up with such peculiar names for the players in my tales....
26. And? ... The process is: I open our giant baby name book, flip to a random page, and, with my eyes closed, point to a name. That led to the creation of Numps Fritter, Melba Toast, and Radeesh Lozenges, incidentally--all characters from my universally celebrated debut novel.
27. Which, as we all know, led to the Academy Award-winning motion picture, also titled "Chutney and Scrapple." ...Yes, indeed. I can't say Scorsese's directing in that film was inspired, but I sure was glad he took me in once that terrible screenwriter broke down on the job when trying to adapt my words into a script. That's when I took over and helped that film become what it is today: iconic.
28. Such big-name stars, as well! Tina Fey as Melba Toast, Johnny Depp as Numps Fritter, Christopher Walken as Radeesh Lozenges-- ...Oh, my, was he hard to work with. From my hometown, actually. Can you believe it? He was always questioning his character. And I thought he was supposed to be a good actor! Who knew Christopher Walken couldn't successfully portray an Indian curling player? It saddens me to this day.
29. Indeed, he lost the Oscar, if I remember correctly, to Justin Bieber. That boy wasn't even an actor! ...No comment. Besides, his acceptance speech was tasteless. If that boy was still alive today, I'd get Costanza here to sic him silly!
30. Costanza is gnawing on a bone...how cute! ...Yes. We adopted him from a lowly shelter. We also adopted all of his brothers and sisters, and gave them all out to people we found on the street. One lady loved the impromptu gift so much, she gave us a fruit basket! We still exchange Christmas cards.
31. I see...Well, I'm afraid I don't have much more time. ...Don't you want to know more about me?
32. Well, sure, but this interview has to have a minimum number of-- ...All right, all right, Nehemiah. I get your drift. You want me to give a monumental quote for America's future writers, to inspire them to follow their dreams, and to manifest in their creative writing themes that only the deepest depths of their soul can make contact with in those wild dreams....
33. Actually, I was going to ask your favorite color. ...(Long pause)...Mahogany. •
